It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
I know I have been M.I.A but that is because school has been killing me.
Growing up is a scam don’t do it. Responsibilities suck to be very honest.
Anyway, I finally decided to upload a new post. A lot has happened in the span of a few months.
For starters, I’m now in second year. I’m trying to major in biology but I don’t even know if my G.P.A is going to be good enough for that. First year did me dirty- the stress, the massive weight gain, the minor depression and we definitely cannot forget the wonderful drop in grades.
University has a wonderful way of making you feel like the dumbest person in the world. Is it possible to fail when you know that you are putting in your best efforts? Doesn’t that mean that your best isn’t good enough? That you aren’t good enough? Or does it mean that your best wasn’t really good at all but you thought it was?
I pride myself on being a pretty stable human being but I had at least five breakdowns during first year. By breakdowns, I do mean, I couldn’t eat properly, couldn’t sleep well, constantly crying, constantly feeling like I was all alone in this world- surrounded by people but lonely.
It is completely possible to be in a room with a thousand people and be lonely because you don’t know any of them and they don’t know you- the real you. Sometimes, it seems like no one is really interested in getting to know the real you. It definitely didn’t help that my best friend was 23 hours by plane from me and had her own problems to work out.
After every breakdown, I would pull myself back up and chant “ I can do this, I am a strong, beautiful and independent woman” and when that didn’t work, I would tell myself “ This too shall pass”. It made me sad that I was failing things- failing school, failing interviews, failing life. Then it made me sad that I was sad. I’m not a sad person in general. I don’t like negative emotions and I try so hard to avoid them. So seeing myself as this sad person who was always worried, weeping or stressed, stressed me out more. It was like a never-ending cycle.
At one point, I remember thinking, ‘what if I was never born?’ that would mean that I wouldn’t have people to disappoint. I wouldn’t be a disappointment to myself and my parents and my mom would not feel the need to compare me to my sister and worry about my grades. She wouldn’t feel the need to scold me and tell me to stop wallowing in failure and being comfortable in it… because I wouldn’t be here.
Let us not even talk about the weight gain. Why am I so weird? People get stressed and lose weight… not I. No, of course not. I get stressed and put on 20 pounds. Isn’t that just peachy? I am so glad school is over for now- one less stress factor. I just want to be happy. It is my
dream, no, goal because it is attainable and although I wasn’t happy for a while during school, I’ll just count it as a minor setback. I’m working on it- getting back on track that is.
I deserve to be happy. Everyone does. And I will be.
Well… I’m trying not be a complete mess and get my life back in order. I’ll start by losing the extra weight, so my clothes can fit again. As for the grades… all I can do is hope. I’ll let you guys know how it all goes.
Life is a work in progress anyway, maybe I’m not failing at life. Just learning.
That’s it for now. Signing out.