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mypyt

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Life in motion

Hi,

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I know I have been M.I.A but that is because school has been killing me.

Growing up is a scam don’t do it. Responsibilities suck to be very honest.

Anyway, I finally decided to upload a new post.  A lot has happened in the span of a few months.

For starters, I’m now in second year. I’m trying to major in biology but I don’t even know if my G.P.A is going to be good enough for that. First year did me dirty- the stress, the massive weight gain, the minor depression and we definitely cannot forget the wonderful drop in grades.

University has a wonderful way of making you feel like the dumbest person in the world. Is it possible to fail when you know that you are putting in your best efforts? Doesn’t that mean that your best isn’t good enough? That you aren’t good enough? Or does it mean that your best wasn’t really good at all but you thought it was?

I pride myself on being a pretty stable human being but I had at least five breakdowns during first year. By breakdowns, I do mean, I couldn’t eat properly, couldn’t sleep well, constantly crying, constantly feeling like I was all alone in this world- surrounded by people but lonely.

It is completely possible to be in a room with a thousand people and be lonely because you don’t know any of them and they don’t know you- the real you. Sometimes, it seems like no one is really interested in getting to know the real you. It definitely didn’t help that my best friend was 23 hours by plane from me and had her own problems to work out.

After every breakdown, I would pull myself back up and chant “ I can do this, I am a strong, beautiful and independent woman” and when that didn’t work, I would tell myself “ This too shall pass”. It made me sad that I was failing things- failing school, failing interviews, failing life. Then it made me sad that I was sad. I’m not a sad person in general. I don’t like negative emotions and I try so hard to avoid them. So seeing myself as this sad person who was always worried, weeping or stressed, stressed me out more. It was like a never-ending cycle.

At one point, I remember thinking, ‘what if I was never born?’ that would mean that I wouldn’t have people to disappoint. I wouldn’t be a disappointment to myself and my parents and my mom would not feel the need to compare me to my sister and worry about my grades. She wouldn’t feel the need to scold me and tell me to stop wallowing in failure and being comfortable in it… because I wouldn’t be here.

Let us not even talk about the weight gain. Why am I so weird? People get stressed and lose weight… not I. No, of course not. I get stressed and put on 20 pounds. Isn’t that just peachy? I am so glad school is over for now- one less stress factor. I just want to be happy. It is my dream, no, goal because it is attainable and although I wasn’t happy for a while during school, I’ll just count it as a minor setback. I’m working on it- getting back on track that is.

I deserve to be happy. Everyone does. And I will be.

Well…  I’m trying not be a complete mess and get my life back in order. I’ll start by losing the extra weight, so my clothes can fit again. As for the grades… all I can do is hope. I’ll let you guys know how it all goes.

Life is a work in progress anyway, maybe I’m not failing at life. Just learning.

That’s it for now. Signing out.

Love,

IVY.

Image result for life in progress

 

Featured post

Question?

And this has been bugging me for a while now.

Why do people never offer help?

I’ll break that down further.

Human see you struggling with something, they ’empathize’ by saying things like:

“Oh that sucks”, “Sorry”, “Feel better”, “You can do this” BUT nobody ever offers to explain the way that thing works to you. No one ever offers to show you how it’s done or help you out a little.

The amount of mistakes and errors that could be avoided with just a little guidance- by someone offering a little help would blow your mind.

Is it that humans are just that cruel or do humans actually believe that their ’empathetic’ words help you get through what ever it is, you are going through?

You could literally be complaining to a group of friends about how hard something is and no one says,”oh , that isn’t hard for me. I can explain it to you”. You never hear those words. Am I complaining to you repeatedly because I enjoy complaining?

It’s like witnessing a car accident scene, every one is gaping at the scenario or taking pictures and videos for social media. Does anyone call an ambulance? Of course not. Why? Because human A just assumes human B would call and human B assumes human A would call. Why assume? Does it hurt for both of them to call an ambulance? Funny enough, no one does until pointed at and asked directly to. Isn’t that ridiculous.

Humans mean well but everyone just assumes that someone else would offer help before they do, so they don’t and since the whole population reasons the exact same way-No one helps anybody.

Ever heard the poem ‘Little Things’ by Julia A. F. Carney (1823 – 1908):

Little drops of water,
Little grains of sand,
Make the mighty ocean
And the pleasant land. 

So the little moments,
Humble though they be,
Make the mighty ages
Of eternity.

So our little errors
Lead the soul away
From the path of virtue,
Far in sin to stray.

Little deeds of kindness,
Little words of love,
Make our earth Happy,
Like the heaven above.

Let’s try to help someone today. Don’t assume someone else would do it. Be that someone. Do a little deed of kindness today.

Love,

IVY.

Featured post

CENTRIPETAL.

Relatable

McBrainy's Missives

C

Most times, I feel like ululating.

It just feels so denigrating.

Just like the centripetal force.

I just don’t understand why I can’t keep
away from you.

I feel hopeless. I feel destroyed.

Yet I keep coming back to you.

Like I am being pulled by the centripetal
force of your ephemeral love.

It’s so frustrating seeing me running back
to you, each and every day.

Maybe I expect you to be like you used to
be.

But it’s just so incongruous.

I just hope I can break out of the holds
of this force.

I guess it’s funny how I’ll never stop
reminiscing,

It’s hard to let go of the things you
said.

I guess it’s sad how all it took was time,
to rid your mind

And heart of memories of you and me.

It’s crazy, Isn’t it??

Do you remember always and forever??

You got over…

View original post 366 more words

Check it out ✌🏾

The Past is Past

This year was rough. For many people it was the best year of their lives so far but to others like me, it was a terrible year. Started out mediocre, then just got worse from there. There were some pretty bleak moments in there. A few happy ones. A lot of depressing ones. I lost some loved ones. One second they were here, the next they were gone. It makes it hard to keep believing that it’s all part of the big plan but through it all, I had a great support system and I love and appreciate everyone who was there for me this year.

I’m thankful for all the mistakes I made. I’m probably going to make more terrible ones this year. I’m thankful for all the people I met this year. The ones still in my life and those that aren’t. I’m a handful and if you have been able to stick around, kudos to you. You deserve some accolades. I’m thankful for all the experiences. Even the ones I never thought I’d experience. Thankful that I now understand that everything happens for a reason and that you can’t fight the process.

That was incredibly long. Wow. Anyway, in the coming year, make connections that brave the storm, friendships that would last, forgive more, be good to yourself because you deserve it and be happy. Genuine happiness that can’t be bought with money is what I wish you this year. Let’s give this a whirl, shall we?

Love,

Ivy.

Ps: Happy New Year, if that wasn’t implied.

Makeup and Society

“Are you not confident that you are beautiful?”

“Why do you need makeup?”

“You are pretty without all these fake things.”

In the world we live in, it is impossible to please everyone. Which is why you should not try. It is your life not theirs. They had their own lives, they lived it, made their own mistakes, learnt from them and you are allowed to do the same.

Society criticizes people who don’t put on makeup and criticizes those who do.

“A little concealer would go a long way to cover those eye bags”

“She looks so plain- couldn’t she have put on some powder or something”

“That is way too much makeup- I’m sure when she wipes it off she is a completely different person”

“Maybe she is ugly that why she always has makeup on”

Are we really that jobless? Or are we avoiding or own problems by attacking someone else?

People are allowed to express themselves anyway they want to as long as it does not encroach on your rights. If a person decides to dye their hair, pierce their nose or belly button or even put on makeup because it makes them happy then they should do it and no one has the right to shame or judge them for it.

Life is short and it’s yours. Not society’s. If something makes you happy- just do it. If it is legal and doesn’t affect anyone’s rights- then it’s none of their business. It really isn’t to be honest, your life is just that- yours. You aren’t sharing it with your family, uncles, aunties or any other person. Maybe at some point you will share it with a spouse but until then- Y.O.L.O.

If what is stopping you from living is fear of what society will do to you or what your family will think due to society’s influence- why fear a mortal? What is the worst thing they can do to you? Hit you? Curse you? Shame you? So what if the inflict pain on you? In the grand scheme of things, the pain will only last a second.

In a few years, that painful moment that seemed to go on for eternity would be one big giant blub that seems like a second of pain and over time it will hurt less until it just aches a little. I know it is painful right now and it sucks to not be understood and you feel like you really might not make it but you will.

You will because you are strong. You might not know that you are strong because no one tells you but you are- and I know because you made it this far. You made it this far, so you can survive this.

Society doesn’t own you. You are you own person. So… screw society. You do you.

Love,

IVY.

Am I depressed?

As I write this, I am filled with self-loathing and despair. What better way to remind yourself that you are a failure than checking your report card. The letters ‘C’ and ‘B’ haunt me as I type, flashing through my eyes continuously, even as the people around me laugh at a joke, which I can’t seem to get through my fog of self-hatred.

How do I explain to my parents the reason I am failing while they are struggling to gather my tuition? How do I explain to them that their first daughter who they expect to be a role model to her siblings has failed them? How do I explain to my cousins who look up to me that I am not as smart as they think? How to I explain to myself how I continuously let myself down?

Disappointment courses through my veins, thick and red as I contemplate my existence. At 17 years of age, what do I have to show for it? What exactly have I achieved in this live? Can anyone stand up and say that I have left a positive impact in their lives? Would anyone remember that I was here?

It’s 11:46pm and I am just sitting down and feeling bad for my parents. They would have been better off with a different child. One that could make them proud. I wonder, as my late father looks down at me from heaven, does he feel disappointed? Ashamed? Does he like who I grew up to be? I wish I knew him.

I wish I wasn’t such a failure. I wish I could get at least one thing right. I wish I was happy. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? All my life, people have just always expected me to do well. To succeed at everything. Everyone just naturally assumes that I can’t fail anything. When I complain about my studies, everyone says- “You can do it, it’s you after all” “Don’t worry, YOU CAN’T fail” “Failure for you is 80% of the grade”. They actually think that they are encouraging me but it’s disheartening.

Am I not a human too? What makes me immune to failure? Why can’t I fail? Time and time again, I would struggle and pull through with a good grade and everyone would just completely disregard my hard work and say “See, we told you, YOU won’t fail”, no one cares or asks what I went through or how I feel. This time I couldn’t pull through. This time, I failed.

BTW: Merry Christmas everyone.

Love,

IVY.

 

 

Just wondering

Why is it that people always have a problem with me doing my school work?

I mean, if the work load is too much, am I not allowed to complain? I am a human being too. I am allowed to complain if I feel stressed.

Just because I complain and then do the work does not mean I complained for nothing.

Comments like, “I don’t know why you were making noise if you’re done” and “Don’t complain, you’ll still finish before all of us” annoy the crap out of me.

I have concluded that it’s petty jealousy but it still hurts. Even people I call friends make the same comments. Maybe they don’t realize how hurtful it is. People tend not to realize the damage they cause with their words.

It’s not my fault that solving math calms me. It doesn’t make me weird that reading novels is a hobby for me. Just because you don’t understand me, doesn’t make me abnormal, it make me me. Uniquely Yvonne. If I was common or predictable, I wouldn’t be unique.

The same ones that insult me end up needing my help with work or stealing my projects. I just wish I didn’t have to hid things from people close to me to avoid the pettiness.
LOVE,

IVY.

Racism and Sexism

I just realized that people promote racism and sexism without knowing it. Recently, I went to the store with a couple of friends and an old white lady (to give you an image) saw one of them using her phone and snap-chatting. SO, she goes ” In the store, girrrlll, you’re addicted” in a black American voice and with sass. She probably just assumed we were black Americans due to our dark skin tones but that’s the problem isn’t it?

No matter how much we EVOLVE, there will always be the problem of color (knowingly or unknowingly). The lady could have easily said it with a normal accent. Another lady saw a bunch of us at another store and said, “You are all beautiful black ladies” Of course, she was white. Why did she have to say black ladies? Couldn’t we just be beautiful ladies? It’s not like there is any different between white, black or even orange people. We all have the same functions and underneath our skin color we are all the same. All have brains. Our hearts beat. We all breathe, eat, grow and most of all, we all have one life to live.

When we pass on to the world beyond, would we be judged based on color? Age? Sex? At the end of the day, we all one and the same. We all have the same rights and should all be treated equally.

Sexism is another major issue. Why is it weird for a girl to take a picture with two boys by her side but normal for a boy to take a picture with two girls by his side? This just promotes objectification of women. Many people see women as objects and possessions these days- things to be owned. WE ARE NOT PROPERTY!

Ladies, please value your bodies and respect yourselves. It is okay to want to be sexy for yourself but you do not have to exposed your bodies to do so. Be classy. Demand respect with the way you carry yourself and you will get it. 

Why is it bad for a lady to have affairs but alright for a man to have affairs. The stupid saying of, ” If all keys can open a lock, the lock is useless but if all locks can be opened by one key, the key is a MASTER key” just helps men justify their immorality.  Honestly, sex before marriage should not even be occurring. It is called fornication and it is a sin.

It is all a journey to equality.

Hope we get there before the world ends.

 

LOVE,

IVY.

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